Faithbase

Hello, welcome to Soulful Sessions. I'm Eli DeJuarez, counselor specializing in relational, spiritual and emotional health. I'm here to offer insights on relationships, family dynamics and personal growth. Today we are talking about the importance of boundaries in relationships, especially, here we go, when dating. Boundaries are the invisible lines that define our personal space, comfort and safety. They're the guidelines we set ourselves and expect others to respect, ensuring that there's mutual understanding and trust. Setting boundaries, here's the thing, setting boundaries isn't about creating barriers or pushing someone away. It's about communicating what you're comfortable with and ensuring that the receiving end party still feels valued, understood and respected in the relationship. You're probably wondering why are boundaries so essential? Why does it even matter, especially when dating? Well, I got to tell you, they protect you emotionally, mentally, and even your physical wellbeing. They prevent misunderstandings and potential conflicts. You're also laying down the foundation for a transparent and healthy relationship. Basically, you're setting yourself up to succeed rather than setting someone else to fail in the relationship, or you're setting yourself up to fail in the relationship. Boundaries can vary very widely. They can be physical, like how comfortable someone is with touch or personal space. They can be emotional, like discussing past traumas or current anxieties, or even digital. We live in the day and age, we're in a digital age through social media and phone, and ghosting is a real thing. In another episode, we'll talk about that. And even digital, like sharing relationship details on social media, basically placing a label on things. Sometimes that's not even something people like to do because they're trying to understand who they are in the relationship. Now let's delve into a fictional scenario to better understand this. Please note, this is purely a made up story for illustrative purposes, but it is based on my experience in couples counseling and relationship counseling in my own practice. So meet, again, fictional names, meet Jake and Mia, two individuals navigating the early stages of their relationship. Now Jake, an extrovert, loves sharing his life on social media. From his morning routine to his dinner choices, he's an open book. Now Mia, on the other hand, is a private and prefers to keep her personal life off the internet. One evening after a romantic date, Jake posts a picture of them together, captioning it, date night with the best. Oh, that's sweet, right? Well, Mia doesn't see it that way. She feels a pang of discomfort and she didn't expect their private moment to be shared so publicly. Now, believe it or not, this is actually a great way to lay down some boundaries. It is kind of often odd to lay down the boundaries like as if you're laying down a list of rules rather than expectations in the beginning. So sometimes you will have to set expectation and set boundaries as they come. So instead of letting the discomfort fester, Mia decides to talk to Jake. She explains her need for privacy and how certain moments, especially intimate ones, are special to her and are not meant for the world to see. Jake, being surprised but still understanding, apologizes. He didn't realize how important this boundary was for Mia. And here's sometimes the confusing part where people think like, man, that sounds like a fairytale. Most people, when people are trying to communicate their needs and their expectations and boundaries, they come off as either rude or selfish or just, it just seems over the surface, not really with a lot of depth. So then the receiving end won't necessarily see it clearly as a boundary that they do not want to be crossed. But instead, the receiving end, like for example, Jake, he could have really taken that personal. And how he could have taken that personal? Well, the first thing that comes to my mind is him thinking like, oh wow, she does not want to be seen with me. Oh, she must be embarrassed of me. Oh, she probably doesn't even like me. This is, she's probably just using me. So you see how these thoughts can just spiral out of control unless Mia furthers explain that, listen, this is not really about you. This is about me. I just like, again, reiterating what she already said. I like certain moments, especially intimate ones, to be private. That's all. That's just my, that's my ask. And it is an ask that what she's saying. And honestly, if he cannot respect that ask or follow through with the ask, then that's where maybe they aren't the right fit for each other because two people should be able to respect each other's needs, wants, and boundaries. So this fictional scenario underscores the importance of open communication. It's not about being right or wrong, but understanding and respecting each other's boundaries. Dating is a beautiful journey of getting to know someone, but it's also a time to set and understand expectations, boundaries. You know, it's an ongoing conversation. Nothing is set in stone in the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, even up to when the relationship goes even further than that. Nothing's really set in stone. It's about mutual respect, understanding, and ensuring both partners feel safe and valued, that both partners are seen and heard. So for everyone listening, if you're in a relationship or entering the dating world, take time to understand your boundaries. And that's probably another hit or miss. A lot of us, we really do not know truly what our expectation and boundaries are. We're kind of just rolling with the punches. And sometimes that sounds like a good thing. Like, yeah, I'm here. Go get the world. I'm going to try out everything. Just rolling with the punches, man. But really what happens is that when it means you're literally going from scenario to scenario, relationship to relationship, and then you're probably wondering why you're pushing everybody else away, why everybody else seems to be the problem, when really, in fact, the problem is it's me. I'm the problem. It's me. So it's important for you to learn truly what your deep expectation and boundaries are, not just the over-the-surface, superficial one that gets you day by day, the true deep ones. And then that is the way you'll be able to find out what really truly what makes you comfortable or what doesn't. And as always, it is okay to communicate your boundaries. It's okay to let someone know if they cross the line. And it doesn't mean that the relationship is over, especially if they cross the line. Everyone makes mistakes. Everybody's human. But of course, if it's an intentional crossing of the line and if it's a type of crossing the line where they mean more harm than good intentions and that's where you need to have a whole different type of discussions about the relationship and where it's going. You know, your feelings are valid. Your boundaries deserve respect and boundaries are the bedrock of any healthy relationship. They ensure mutual respect, understanding, and create a safe space for love to flourish and a safe space for a true relationship to grow. Thank you for joining me today. Tune in next time to fill up your heart and mind for the week ahead. Until then, stay sober.